


Love In The Dark

by MattedZamo



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Break Up, F/F, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Post-Break Up, References to Depression, References to Drugs, im super sorry about this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 08:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13783248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MattedZamo/pseuds/MattedZamo
Summary: “Please Trixie, I’m so sorry.” Katya tried with her one more time.“I know Katya,” she turned the handle, not looking back at the woman she had called her lover for five years now, “I am too.”





	Love In The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Title and like the whole plot of this was brought to you by _Adele's_ song _Love In The Dark_ and also the heavy need to write after finishing a different work.

_“Trixie please!” Desperation weighed heavily off the tongue that pleaded with her to stay, to give her one more chance, to try the relationship one more time._

_“Katya I- I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore.” Tears rolled down her face, with no restrictions, the last time she would let herself cry in front of Katya._

_“Please Trixie, I’m so sorry.” Katya tried with her one more time._

_Trixie stood in front of the door, her book bag filled with the last of her things. She had been here before, leaving the door one last time. But always returning to forgive Katya, to give her her love, to fight for their dwindling love one more time. Katya had been forgiven for that girl that turned into those girls, for that one drink that turned into those bottles, for that one line that turned into trips to the ER. For that one broken promise that turned into so many lies._

_“I know Katya,” she turned the handle, not looking back at the woman she had called her lover for five years now, “I am too.”_

_She closed the door behind her, leaving the only apartment she ever loved, the first woman she ever loved, and the woman who broke her heart like she had broken hers._

_-_

How long did it take to get over someone? Trixie wished she knew, or that there was a book written about it. Maybe she would write one. In bed, she scoffed to herself. She barely had any energy to get up and get something to eat. She winced as she flipped from her left side to her back, her arm had fallen asleep and her shoulder was in pain from the awkward position being held for so long.

But she didn’t care, she welcomed the pain.

She listened as her mother’s car hit the gravel of the unpaved driveway and groaned, dreading the questions that would come from the woman when she reached Trixie’s room. She regretted not eating anything more than the bag of chips she kept stashed in her room, knowing the look of pity and disappointment her mom would give her.

From the other side of the closed door, she heard as her mom rummaged around, dropping things, and putting things away. She heard the pull of the refrigerator door opening, and then the slam of it closing. She heard the _click, click, click_ of the stove being turned on. She heard the metal on metal on metal sound of the pan hitting the stove top. She heard the sound of cold food hitting the now hot pan, and waited for the smell of whatever her mom was making to slip under her door and enter her nostrils. She smelled meat. Beef? Steak maybe? She wasn’t sure.

On one hand, she felt a small twinge of hurt that her mom wasn’t making something to eat for her, but it was quickly dismissed when she realized she wasn’t even hungry, just so deathly _tired._ She rolled from her back to her right side, letting sleep wash over her as she heard her mom start softly singing to herself.

She had stopped having regular dreams, always falling and staying in a black pit of sleep. After her breakup, she moved back into her mom’s house, not quite sure what to do with herself; never have lived by herself, she wasn’t sure she was ready to do that. Not after having her chest ripped in half so many times, only a surgeon can repair the strands still lying on her feet.

This morning she woke up to the sunshine hitting her face, something that shouldn’t have happened since she put up black out curtains on the windows all those months ago.

“Trixie get up.” Her mom called.

“Mmph.” Was all she could reply as she slowly got up.

“Trixie baby, take a shower and get ready to go out. And also put your raincoat on.”

Trixie winced at the words _Trixie baby_ put together but quickly recovered, “I haven’t put a raincoat on anything in what feels like a lifetime.” She joked in a dry tone.

Her mom looked at her with shock and then discomfort “Young lady, don’t be so perverted, now hurry up.”

-

An hour and a half later, with a hashbrown and half of a small coffee from McDonalds her mom made her eat, she was in Dr. Raven’s office. A therapist. Great. Although she supposed it wasn’t all bad, maybe talking about it to a neutral party would help her in her journey to reenter the real world.

“You look tired, honey.” Raven started.

Trixie shook her head slowly “Yeah. Its been a rough few months.”

“What happened that made it rough?”

Trixie looked up from watching her hands fiddle with the strings on her ripped jeans into Raven’s eyes. She found she was _aching_ to spill everything, from the first pains with Katya to know. In Raven’s eyes, there was no bias, she didn’t know who Katya was, what she had done, there was no information about her past relationship to make her sow any emotions in her eyes.

As she took a deep breath, she willed herself not to hold back.

“I was in a relationship. Four years together, five years I had known her. I fell pretty hard, I guess its safe to say. I saw her and I thought _wow_. So we talked and talked and I learned so much about her but not everything. And I could tell there were things she had hidden. It wasn’t that whole thing of what she said versus what she didn’t say, but it was just this _feeling_ y’know? Anyway, I just bared my soul to her and we fell in love….moved in together…made sappy Facebook posts about each other every day or every other day.”

“What do you think went wrong?”

“It happened like six months after I moved into her place. We had been dating for like what? Five months? My mom was really skeptical, but we had known each other for a year right? I didn’t see an issue. Of course I was 23 and that was my first real relationship so maybe my judgment wasn’t the best. Anyway, she went out with her friends that night, Pearl and Alaska.”

Trixie’s eyes locked onto the papers behind Raven as she remembered that night. Her first heartbreak. It was supposed to be the day they would be celebrating their six month anniversary, Trixie being the sap she was, wanted that. Katya had only agreed to such a celebration when Trixie agreed to the idea of partying with Katya’s two best friends. But the morning of, Trixie came down with a stomach bug that didn’t allow her to leave the apartment. While she slept, Katya had slipped out, leaving a note behind saying that she would be right back. She didn’t come home until four that morning, sweaty and jittery and in only a dirty sports bra and a skirt.

Trixie had freaked, cried and unsure what to even though with Katya. She called her mom as Katya locked herself in the bathroom. Her mom said that she was probably strung on something and to stay with her, help her through her crash. Trixie did, forcing herself to not cry anymore and she cleaned Katya up, put warm clothes on her and put her bed with lots of blankets. Her Katya was cold, so cold, mumbling about the fun she had, the phone she lost. The following week was spent with Trixie coaxing Katya out of her own shell of self-pity and learning that she had a history of drugs, and hadn’t gone to rehab, making herself quit on her own time. Numbly, she told Katya she would be by her side as she recovered.

“How did her recovery go?”

“Not well I think. She smoked. A lot. I’m surprised I didn’t get like asthma or some shit like that. But I knew when she bumped. Especially when she was with Pearl or Alaska. But they stopped, they told me, so it was just her. Sometimes I would come home, and the place would be clean like, completely spotless, and in the room she’d be like on the floor passed out or vigorously masturbating. The first few times scared the shit out of me. I mean, it never did stop scaring me, but by the second year, I knew how to handle it, what situation constituted what action on my end.”

“Was that it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well the relationship ended right? Was her drug and smoking habits the only reason why you left?”

Trixie scoffed. “Fuck no.”

Sadness shifted to bitterness when she recalled the shit she discovered on Katya’s phone.

It was year three in their relationship and Katya’s parents had bought her plane tickets to spend time with them in Russia. Katya went, being the loving daughter that she was, while Trixie stayed behind and picked up a third job to occupy her time during the summer. They barely talked the entire three months Katya spent at her parents’ house, and every selfie she sent, her arms had bruises. Katya claimed that she kept bumping into things whenever she would venture the halls during the dark of night, and Trixie forced herself to believe it.

Katya returned bruise free, healthier looking in mid-September, and much to Trixie’s delight, a higher sex drive. Trixie dropped her third job, and turned her attention to Katya, always making sure she was okay, admiring her, loving her with every fiber in her being. Before long, it was October, close to Halloween.

They wanted to throw a small get together with their friends, get in cheap costumes and eat candy and watch Halloween Disney movies.

“She had asked me to go through her messages and make sure she let everyone know of the plans while she went to go shower. So I did, I went through the text message screen to make sure each of our friends knew what was up. There was one, all the way at the bottom, it was an unsaved number, and I knew that Pearl had changed her number and I didn’t see that she was sent a message so I clicked on the one that didn’t have a name and…” Trixie stopped, a flash of rage enveloping her quickly.

“What did you find?” Raven inquired gently.

“Some person sent photos to Katya’s phone of her in an orgy. She was fucking and sucking and getting fucked and sucked…needless to say, we broke up after the Halloween party. And then I took her back in January. But that broke me. And I never trusted her fully after that. I received everything she told me with doubt. Every time she told me she loved me, I felt like the word was mocking me. Every time I said it back, I felt it was a lie.”

“Why did you think you stayed?”

“She was all I knew. She was _comfortable._ We knew each other and the idea of starting over exhausted me.”

“Why did you leave?”

Trixie shifted her hips in the chair. Why did she leave? She told herself it was because she was done with Katya, over the times she would have her heartstrings pulled. But that had been her mood for about a year before she finally called it quits.

“I’m 27 Raven. I felt like the best years of my life were wasted. I felt cheated in more ways than one. I wanted _forever._ I saw that with her. The whole dream: marriage, bickering, kids, pets, houses and cars that was _ours._ But holding onto that dream wasn’t worth all the pain I felt, still feel.”

Trixie was crying, feeling raw, but relieved.

-

 Trixie took her time recovering, but at least she was making an effort. She stopped depending on her mom to cook her food, and made sure to eat the bare minimum of two meals a day. She made sure to leave snacks in the kitchen to eliminate temptation to stay in bed and eat. She tried to stay in the living room with her mom, graduating from just 10 minutes to at least an hour. She pushed herself to take walks every other day. She was patient with herself when her depression hit her full force, and always made sure to tell her mom about it in some way.

Therapy with Dr. Raven became easier, talking through the issues she had with Katya that she kept from her. She opened up about her childhood, about things she was curious about, about hobbies she wanted to pick up. One day, after a few months of continuously going to therapy, Raven commented how Trixie had started to look healthier than when they had their first session, _I’m proud of you Trixie, you’re doing well and that’s what I like to see in my patients._ Trixie carried that with her every day.

-

Trixie stared down the calendar.

 _A year. I made it a_ whole _year._

She was so proud of herself. So she decided to treat herself. But she wasn’t sure with what.

Perhaps new clothes since the clothes now were starting to grow a bit loose now that she was more active. She never went clothes shopping by herself and besides, her mom knew all the places that had great clothes for great prices. So she would wait to go shopping with her mom later. She didn’t need ice cream, there was plenty in the freezer.

She went to the park.

It was fall, a beautiful day, slightly warm without a breeze. She walked through the park slowly, but keeping an eye out for the time so she could catch the bus to get back home. She sat down on a park bench, breathing in the air of fall slowly.

“Trix?”

Her eyes opened. “Hi Katya.”

“Oh my god, Trixie hi!”

Trixie looked Katya up and down. She looked good, she filled out more, her breasts a little bit bigger; her cheeks a little bit fuller like her hips. Her hair was long and volume-less anymore, instead it was cut right above her shoulders and wavy. Katya was looking right at her when Trixie finally made eye contact. She looked a bit younger now.

“So how you been?”

“I’ve been good, real good. Taking care of myself you know, realizing the shit I done, the pain I caused. I wasn’t the best Trixie. I know that now-“ Katya moved forward a step, but Trixie stopped her.

“Katya, you can stay right there. We’re fine where we are.”

“Trixie, please let me show you how much I’ve changed.”

“Katya, what I’m going to say might hurt, but it’s from a good place. I swear. I’m not going to let you love me anymore, like I’m not letting myself love you. We had the potential for something good but…you kept things from me. You lied to me. You never physically hurt, but the emotional toll you took on me…I’m doing better now, and I’m glad you’re doing better now. Looks good on you. But I’m doing better for myself, not for you or anyone else as you should do to.” Trixie got up from her spot on the park bench and looked at Katya who looked like she wanted to cry. She kissed her cheeks and pulled away, “I loved you once before Katya, at one point more than I loved myself, but I don’t think I can love you again.”

Trixie shrugged and walked away, leaving Katya behind yet again, on her way to the bus to go home and figure out the next steps to her life.

**Author's Note:**

> I am...so sorry about that.
> 
> Comment what you thought!
> 
> I'm on Tumblr! @mattedzamo


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